Long Long Way To Go
by Ploegette
Summary: After a broken engagement to Jenny, Detective Kevin Ryan finds himself confiding in someone that he never expected to. After all, who tells a perfect strangers intimate details of their life?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Long Long Way To Go

Author: Ploegette

Rating: M

Disclaimer: The only character that I own is Theresa (Terri) Meradus. All other characters belong to ABC and are being used with love.

Characters: Kevin Ryan, Theresa Meradus

**=Chapter One=**

It was an odd thing, all of a sudden being alone. Knowing that everything you had set out for your life's future was gone in the course of a few words and a ring left behind on the kitchen counter. Leaning against the railing and staring out into the water below, Kevin Ryan pulled out the small metal ring from his pocket. Everything about it now seeming so cold. Even the diamond seem to lose the glitter that it once had when tucked into it's velvety box.

He moved the ring back and forth in his hands, still uncertain what to do with it. Did he wait, just in case he and Jenny could figure something out? Or did he just get rid of it, throw it into the river and no longer have the token of a broken love haunting him.

Kevin let out a small sigh and lowered his head for a moment until the quick flash of orange caught the corner of his eye. Picking his head up slightly, he glanced off to the side into the darkness. He almost had himself convinced that it was nothing but his imagination playing tricks until there was another flicker of orange light.

This time it was impossible to miss. The orange glow of a flame from a lighter. It started out small, but with each passing second grew slightly larger and seemingly hovering in the air. Momentarily, the cop in him started to surface and Kevin made his way towards it, only to stop when his eyes adjusted and he noticed it was a figure holding something in their hands.

Curiosity getting the better of him, Kevin stood watch as the figure moved towards the light post that illuminated the river. Soon, the figure turned into a women and he realized that she had lit something in her hand on fire. He watched as the embers crept up closer to her hand until she finally dropped it into the water.

"You know, I'm pretty sure New York frowns upon littering and arson." Kevin nearly threw his hand to his mouth when he realized that what he had thought to be an inner monologue had really been spoken aloud.

The woman glanced up at Kevin with a raised eyebrow, clearly showing no amusement by what he had said. "That so? Well, if you are so concerned why don't you go call the cops and leave me alone then." Turning away from Kevin, she pulled another piece of paper out of her pocket and used a lighter that had been hidden in her other hand to set the corner on fire. Once again, she held it long enough to watch it disappear, but not so long as to burn herself.

"Too much paper work, and I'm really not in the mood."

"Lucky me." The women snorted. Though he couldn't see it, Kevin was sure that she had rolled her eyes.

Sighing, he moved away from the railing and slowly walked towards the women. "You know, being out here this time of night isn't exactly the safest thing when you are women." Now that was the cop in him coming out.

"Believe me, I am more than capable of handling myself." She finally glanced up at him, and the closer he got the more apparent it was that the women had been crying. "And I also wasn't looking for company."

"You do look like you could use it though." Something was obviously upsetting her, and he had his suspicions that it had something to do with what she was burning.

She watched him for a moment, and Kevin quickly realized that she was trying to gauge him. "You know, this is really more of a solitary thing..." she was trying to push him away without actually telling him what she was doing.

"Well then, at least promise me it isn't something that I should be worrying about as a cop."

"Figured as much." She said with a slight grin. "You scream cop you know."

"Is that a compliment?"

"Take it as you want."

Kevin slid his hands into his pocket and let the silence settle over them for a moment. "You still didn't answer my question..."

"Pushy, aren't you?" This time her tone of voice was much harsher and he knew that he has struck a chord. Without even giving him a chance she pulled out a stack of papers from the inside of her jacket pocket and moved a few steps closer the Kevin thrusting them into his chest. "They're photos, happy? I'm burning photos. Call it cathartic."

Glancing down he noticed that they were all photos of then women in front of him and another man. It was then that the pieces clicked. Whoever it was had hurt her, and now she was getting rid of the memories. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Excuse me?"

He piled the photos back together and handed them back to her. "Look, I'm sorry I had no right. Guess I've been a little moody. I apologize."

She sighed. "It's fine. Your a cop, I guess being curious about everything is just part of your nature." With a shrug she took the photos back from Kevin and slipped them into her pocket along with the lighter. "Besides, burning photos at almost midnight in a public area probably wasn't the smartest idea."

"No, probably not."

"Just made me feel better." She quietly added, staring out at the water. "Take it that you kinda get it though, with saying that you should have thought of that?"

Kevin wasn't sure how to handle that one. Did he want to tell her? Then again, he had started to play twenty questions with her, it was only fair in a way. "I'm assuming whoever is in those photos meant something to you?"

She nodded. "Yeah, he did."

"My fiancee ended our engagement." He sighed in defeat. "Said that she just couldn't take the idea of being married to a cop anymore. The long hours, worrying about my safety..."

Kevin simply watched confused as she broke out into laughter. When she glanced back at Kevin, she immediately stopped and said a quiet apology. "It's not funny. I'm sorry. It's just I always used to figure that would be my problem. Now I almost wish that it had been."

"Now I'm confused."

She shook her head, a slight smile pulling at the corner of her mouth. "I'm a Federal Agent, so believe me when I say I know what you are talking about." Rolling her eyes, she took and deep breath and slowly let it out. "Terri Meradus." She pulled her hand out of her pocket and extended it to Kevin.

"Kevin Ryan." He gladly took her hand and have a slight shake. "Guess I get what you mean by being able to take care of yourself."

"Yeah." Terri nodded. "But I'm serious, I wish that my fiance had left me because he couldn't handle being married to a Federal Agent. Would have made things a lot easier."

"Why did he leave?"

Leaning her back against the light post, Terri slid her hands back in her pocket. "Technically I left, but not without good reason. I caught him in bed with one of his co-workers who also happened to be a good friend of mine."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, not like you had anything to do with it." No, there were only two people that should be sorry for what happened, but she doubted that either one of them really were. "So I packed up some stuff and came up to New York, figured I could at least see my brother while I'm here."

Kevin wished he could get away. It didn't matter what he did, everything seemed to remind him of Jenny. Half of the reason he had left the apartment was because some of her stuff was still around that she had left behind. As much as he wanted to just box it up and get rid of it, he couldn't bring himself to do it. "How long were you together?"

"Five years. You?"

"Three."

"It's shitty isn't it? Having everything so perfectly planned out only to wake up one morning and realize that it's been pulled out from under you?"

Kevin really couldn't have said it better himself. "I just can't stand the sudden emptiness. Feeling like a part of me is gone and then having to face the reality that I won't be getting it back."

"Don't think she will change her mind?" Terri asked, casting him a sideways glance.

He shook his head. "No, she was pretty clear about it." He could tell that she had meant every word of it, Jenny's eyes had always given her away. "You don't think you could get past what happened?"

This caused Terri to laugh out loud. "Definitely not. I've been cheated on before and taken them back only to have it happen again. Adam knew the rules, he was there when I had my heart ripped out the first time. He knew that I had no tolerance for it and I promised myself I was not putting myself in that position again."

"Good for you." He personally never saw any reason for someone to cheat and was grateful that it wasn't the reason he and Jenny had broke up.

"Thanks." One glance into his baby blues and she could tell that he was being sincere. "Look, it's getting a little cold and there's a coffee shop a few blocks from here if you want to warm up a bit. If you are anything like me, the last thing you want to do is just sit in bed knowing that you won't be getting sleep any time soon."

"So you're using me as a distraction now?"

"Like the thought didn't cross your mind..." She glanced at him with raised eyebrows waiting for him to answer that question knowing that she was right.

Finally she got a smile out of him. "Coffee sounds perfect right about now."


	2. Chapter 2

"It's just so surreal, I mean we were planning everything. We just picked out place settings." Kevin sighed, setting his coffee down on the table.

"Luckily I hadn't got that far when Adam...yeah. There wasn't much planning started, we were both procrastinating on it. Guess now I can see why he was more so then me." She wondered if he had even really wanted to get married in the first place.

Kevin nodded. "Guess it was better finding out now then after being married."

"Usually is."

"So are you visiting New York, or planning to make a fresh start?" He wanted to steer the conversation away from their heartaches. They had come for a distraction after all, had they not?

Terri paused for a moment and slowly turned her cup on the table. "Just visiting. My job is in Washington, and I'm happy doing what I do. Besides, if I didn't go back my partner would probably hunt me down and kick my ass for leaving him with some green partner right out of Quantico."

"You guys get along I take it?"

"John and I? Yeah, we really do. We are at the point where we just know what the other person is thinking or doing. We don't even have to speak. It's just..."

"You're in sync." He and Esposito were the exact same way. You just got used to each others movements and thinking procedures. "Despite what happens you know that they have your back and you have theirs."

Terri nodded. "That's exactly what it is."

"So what area do you work in?"

"I started in the counter terrorism unit just to fill in some gaps but now I'm full time with violent crimes. Been there five years now." It had been a difficult adjustment at first but now there wasn't any other division she'd rather be with. "You?"

"I'm a homicide detective."

Terri raised her eyebrows. "So your telling me that I'm not here with officer Ryan, but Detective Ryan."

"Yup."

"You know, we shouldn't be talking. If the guys in my office knew that I was being nice to a homicide detective I would never hear the end of it. You guys are nothing but a hassle."

"We are the hassle?" Kevin questioned in disbelief. "You guys are the ones who swoop in after we put in all the effort and take credit."

If it hadn't been for the smirk on Kevin's face, Terri would have actually been quite upset about the comment. True, they did come in on occasion to take over cases, but she always worked her ass off to make sure that she solved them. "Just means we are the smart ones."

"Hmm." Kevin couldn't argue her logic. He took a swig of his coffee, which had started to cool down just enough to fully drink, and ran a hand through his hair. "So what are you guys carrying these days anyhow? I heard they were changing you guys from the glock seventeens."

Terri nodded, putting down her cup again. "Yeah, they did. I'm actually carrying a twenty-three now. It's either that or a twenty-two."

"You know, it's funny. They tell us what we have to use as a primary weapon, but our backups have such a wider range."

"True." She agreed. "I have a glock twenty-six as my backup, but to be honest the only thing I've used it for is the firing range." It gave her variety there more than anything. "You ever use your backup?"

The cup paused between the table and Kevin's mouth. He wasn't expecting that question. He had used his backup, at the time he didn't have a choice. But did he go there with her? Tell a complete stranger the one thing he would always regret doing? It wasn't as if he was going to see her again.

Terri immediately picked up on his unease. "You know what, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked and I know when to back off."

"No, it's fine, really." Kevin quickly rebuked. "Can I ask you something personal?"

"I'm pretty sure most of our conversation tonight has been personal, but go ahead." For some reason, it felt like she was talking to an old friend, and right now that was all she needed. "Ask away."

Kevin stared down at the cup in his hand for a moment before glancing back up at his companion. "You ever have a perp get the drop on you?"

Immediately Terri caught on to the way the conversation was going. She could now easily peg his unease. "Twice, and I will never forget either time." It had burned into her memory. "The first time I missed a room in a clear, and I'm not just talking about some random room, I'm talking _the_ room. The perp managed to get behind me and of course naturally he was armed. Rookie mistake."

"John...well lucky for me he entered the building about a minute after me. So he was hidden behind when the entire thing went down. If it weren't for him, I'm not sure that I would be here right now." She was really grateful for her partner after that.

"We all make mistakes."

Teri nodded in agreement. "The second time, we were working a case. Someone had killed three women, a professional job. This guy knew all of our procedures and knew how to cover his tracks. So we had our next potential victim and decided that we would do a stakeout with another group of agents. John and I split up and I ended up with this god-awful rookie. I mean, this kid...how he made it through training I have no idea, but he did."

"Did you have to wait long?"

"Four and half hours."

Kevin cringed. For him, anything over two hours was far too long. "So I take it the rookie dropped the ball?"

"No, actually I'm the one who dropped the ball when the rookie leaned over, grabbed my gun and shot me with it." Not even realizing that she did, she reached up to her shoulder and have it a slight rub. "The whole time were waiting for this guy to show up when in reality he was sitting right next to me in the car. His whole green rookie routine was nothing more than that. He got away with my gun and case files. I'm not sure which is worse."

"That's rough."

"Hmm." She quietly agreed. "None of us figured it out, we didn't even have the slightest indication that something was even off about him."

"Did you ever catch him?"

"Yeah, the rookie's partner found him about 15 minutes later. Apparently he was more concerned with what was going on behind him that he didn't see the city bus until it was too late."

"You sound upset."

Terri let out a snort. "Damn right. I was so hoping to get the chance to hunt that bastard down myself."

Kevin knew that feeling. "At least you got your gun back..."

"I take it you didn't?"

He shook his head. "No. Not right away. It was similar to what happened to you, except it was a witness we had in our protection. In exchange for information, he was going to be given a second chance. When we went back to tell him that we had a confession from the killer and he was free, things went south. Tyson, the bastard, got the drop on me and knocked me out. Got away with my badge and gun."

"How did you get it back?"

"In a way that no cop ever wants to." He sighed. "It was used for another murder – a young girl. Tyson had it all planned. He knew that the gun would end up being used for a crime, he knew that it was going to fuck with my head. And he was right."

Terri reached across and gave Kevin's arm a gentle squeeze. "I guess we all have skeletons in our closets, don't we? I mean, people look up to us like we are these flawless people but they don't know. They have no idea the psychological toll it takes even on the best of us." In her experience it was always the good ones that fell the hardest.

"You give up so much of yourself to keep people safe. If people only knew."

"They don't want to though. And I can't say I blame them for turning a blind eye to it all. The thing s I've seen, no one should have to."

"The price we pay."

A sudden grin spread it's way onto Terri's face followed seconds later by a slight laugh. "We really are messed up, aren't we Kevin? Maybe Adam and Jenny were smart in getting out while they still could. It's something about us, we are cursed. I mean, don't people always say that the good ones are married to their jobs?"

"I've heard it, just never wanted to believe it." No, he always wanted to be the one that would beat the odds. He figured if he worked hard enough then he could have that perfect life. Apparently, he just hadn't worked hard enough. "I'm just not sure where to go from here."

"Move on I guess. Keep going day by day and hope that it gets easier as time passes on. Or at least that's what I've been telling myself. The honest answer is that I really don't know." She wasn't sure about a lot of things all of a sudden. "Yeah, we both assumed our deals were of the 'forever' nature. Turns out they weren't.

"I see a lot of lonely nights with a beer in hand listening to horribly romantic and depressing love songs."

Terri shrugged. "I was always partial to Ben and Jerry's myself." It was the stereotypical thing to do post break up, wasn't it? "You know, I never thought that I would be talking about this to someone I really didn't know. I mean, I don't even open up like this with John."

"I know what you mean." And for once, he honestly meant it. Here there was, someone else who knew exactly what he was going through. Knew the emotional roller coaster he was riding on. He opened his mouth, about to thank her when all of a sudden an array of electronic beats cut through the silence.

With a growl, Kevin dove into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone, the one thing he wished hadn't been on him at that moment. Glancing down at the screen, he realized that it was Beckett.

"Take it." Terri quietly told him with a nod as she saw the dilemma building behind his blue eyes.

"It's work." he sighed, making it sound like some sort of apology.

"What did you expect Kevin, bodies were going to stop piling up just because we were hurting? I think we both know that's not the way it works."

Kevin frowned. "It would be nice though, wouldn't it?"

"Go." She encouraged once again. "You have a bad guy to catch Detective Ryan, don't let me get in the way."

He sighed and stood up from the booth. Taking one last glance at Terri, apology written all over his face mixed in with a hint of sadness. "Terri..."

"Kevin, I'm fine. You'll be fine. Go."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." She knew he wasn't just talking about the phone call. He was talking about everything else. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

"You too." His voice was barely above a whisper as he turned heading towards the door. His cell phone went off once again, and with an aggravated growl he finally picked up. "Ryan."


	3. Epilogue

"What do we have?" Kevin questioned, slipping up in behind his partner.

"Michael Brighton, 40, stabbed and beaten to death. Anything of value has been taken, looks like a robbery. Called in by a women living in the building." Esposito rhymed off, already having committed the information to memory. Turning around to glance at his partner, his face suddenly dropped. "You look like hell bro, did you even sleep?"

Kevin rolled his eyes. "Thanks, and no."

"You okay?"

Kevin shrugged. "Jenny left."

Everything else was forgotten for the moment and Esposito stared at his partner for a moment, slowly taking in all the details. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." When he saw the hurt on his partner's face, Kevin sighed. "Look, Javi, I'm alright. Really I am. I've had time to go over things and I will be okay."

"You're sure?"

"Positive." A smile crept onto his face. If it hadn't been for Terri, then he wouldn't have been okay but talking to her had really helped but a lot of things into perspective for him. He had managed to get quite a bit off of his chest, and allowed her to do the same.

"Glad you could make it Ryan." Beckett's voice spoke up from inside the alley. "I need your help over here."

"On my way." Day by day, that's all he had to do, right?

#

"And she's back."

Setting her bag down beside her desk, Terri gave her partner a slight smile. "She's back."

"So you know I have to ask. What prompted the sudden trip to New York? You couldn't have missed your brother that bad." John knew her too well to buy that excuse.

Sitting down, Terri leaned back into her chair and slipped her feet up onto her desk. "Needed to get away. I caught Adam in bed with Stacey."

"Wait, you what?" John had expected a lot of thing, but not that. They had seemed way too perfect for each other. "Terri, if you still don't feel up to being here I can cover..."

She shook her head. "No, I'm fine John. New York really helped me think things over." Actually, it was her time with Kevin that had really helped her out. Something about knowing that she wasn't alone in what she was going through was quite comforting, even if it was in a slightly selfish way.

"You'll be okay?"

"Maybe not right now, but eventually I will." Like she had told Kevin, just take it day by day. And come hell or high water that was exactly what she was going to do. "There's still hope for me yet Johnny Boy. Besides, I have a work husband who is hard enough to handle, did I really want another one?"

* * *

><p><strong>Authors Note:<strong>

There will be more to Terri and Ryan, I just had to get this out of the way so you hand an understanding of the back story between the two characters. This is something that has been floating around in my head for some time and in order to get into the story that I want, you needed to understand the original connection between the two characters and I really didn't want to write it all in flashbacks.

Hope you enjoyed!

I'd love to hear your feedback or ideas for what you want to see happen with Kevin and Terri. I have my ideas, but am always open to suggestions.

Ploegette


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